One time I asked a boyfriend why he suddenly started having an interest in me after knowing me for so long. In high school we were friends and he knew I had a crush on him. Our sense of humor was similar and we always had fun together when we hung out with others in a group. He told me that he knew that I had a crush on him in high school and at a certain point he considered pursuing something more with me. These answers seemed almost like a deflection. I asked him again why he didn’t try to talk to me or go further. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to know and that he kind of didn’t want to tell me. I told him that it was fine and he shouldn’t be afraid to tell me. Finally he said, “Well, I wasn’t attracted to you because I thought you were fat. I also thought you were cool and nice, but I just wasn’t attracted to you.”
It was true, I was overweight in high school. I met Chad freshman year and we began being friends sophomore year when I was thirty pounds overweight. I lost most of the weight junior year and was my lightest senior year. Chad and I reconnected my second year of college when I was still pretty in shape. Before this, our developing relationship was going the routine course, although there always was something off about Chad. During the time we dated he was going through somewhat of a crisis. He was a third year engineering student and with every class he took he came face to face with the fact that he hated what he was studying. His parents were dead set on him becoming an engineer and were paying for his schooling and apartment, so you could see Chad’s dilemma.
Looking back I think there was a lot emotionally wrong with Chad. When he dropped the big weight bomb on me, I was crushed. I could see the pain on his face while he was telling me, but he had a choice to share it. But honestly I wasn’t surprised that he said it, everything seemed too good to be true. I realized in that moment that he was an extremely selfish person who had little consideration for other’s feelings. I wouldn’t say he’s a full-blown narcissist, but I think during this dark time in his life he had little thought or regard for others.
This incident with Chad is the driving reason why I’m so uncomfortable in my skin today. I’m not as fit as I was back then, in fact I’m about as heavy as I was when I first started my fitness journey. I’m constantly questioning myself in my head: “Am I ugly?” and “does anyone find me attractive or valuable?” There are good days and bad, and all I can do is try my best to be healthy instead of beating my body into submission like I did in high school and college. I couldn’t enjoy a lot of things most teens or young adults could because I was either on a strict diet or I had to go work out. Now I try to say yes to both in order to create a more healthy balance in my life.
I told the story about Chad to my next boyfriend Quinn. When I finished telling Quinn, he had the appropriate responses of “you’re perfect” and “you’re beautiful no matter what size you are.” It was reassuring to hear and it also checked the boxes in my mind which convinced me that Quinn could never hurt me like Chad did. But in the end I was wrong, Quinn sexually assaulted me a few weeks after we started dating. I don’t think I need to go into detail about how this affected my life. But I will say that almost five years later the feelings I felt during the assault sometimes protrude into my sexual relationship with my husband.
I broke up with Chad and Quinn shortly after both of these unfortunate events. The most ironic thing about all of it was how much they said I hurt them by breaking up with them. I felt nothing when I ended the relationships, my feelings toward them were made numb by their selfishness. I’ve also never forgiven them in my heart. If I had the choice to either forget about the relationships I had with those men or forgive them, I’d probably want to get my memory wiped. In my mind they don’t deserve my forgiveness, but I know in the end all I’m doing to continuing the pain they began.